cheryl256's Blog

man, I've been feeling kind of down, a lot lately.. Not sure what's that about.. Though it seems like here is the only place I can talk about it.. It doesn't matter if anyone actually reads this.. just need a place to let it all out..

It's not that anything is really terrible, cause really my life is going pretty good, and I don't have anything to complain about. Just sad. that's all. Sometimes I get in these moods and I can't shake them. It's weird. I think it's cause I'm lonely.. like tonight I posted a thing on facebook asking what's going on, and no one replied.. but I guess everyones busy with exams.. but it made me feel alone. My friend was supposed to call me tonight after his exam, but he didn't.. sort of disappointed about it.

I think I'm just bummed out about guys... you know? They always let me down... it never works out.. 

Oh well, I'm leaving to go out west and visit friends on Tuesday. Though I'm worried when I get there they won't want to see me, or it won't be as I expect it to be.. which would suck. 

That's really all I have to say for now.. :( 

sorry for being such a downer.. but thanks for reading!

Cheryl

  So, today I've been feeling a little down, and  its not cool. I think it's cause the last few months I've had a series of short relationships that go no where and are just a waste of my time. I wish they would either be like "hey I like you" and we continue, or "hey I don't  like you, we're done". Instead of this not really talking, sometimes flirting, go on a date or two but go no where, not really knowing what the hell is going on, tell I decided that's enough of that.  

So now, I sort of have a friends with benefit thing going, on which is cool with me. However, all of a sudden he's not returning my messages and I'm like, if this is done just tell me instead of leaving me hanging. it's just inconsiderate. It just seems like guys don't have any balls to tell it to you straight, which is what I would appreciate. Is there a cool guy out there that isn't just a scared little rat? If there is, please let me know. Until then I will leave a depressing song for everyone to enjoy.

For some reason I can't stop playing this song. It makes me happy..

Hey EP,

It's been a while but I guess I've been out living my life/ not procrastinating nearly as much. So Last night I went out and had a blast! I went on a bus tour with my friends and it was awesome! We ended up at this dive bar in the middle of no where and totally took it over. I think we may have scared the locals... I met this guy on the bus and we totally clicked. The whole night we danced, and laughed, and just had honest to goodness fun. We even walked through the McDonald's Drive through, something I have wanted to do my whole life but never did. And they actually served us!I hadn't had fun like that in a long time. I hadn't hung out with anyone on my level and sense of humor like that in a really long time.

The weird part was that we have known who each other were and said hey occasionally, and had several mutual friends for the last 6 years but never actually hung out before. At the end of the night we were like " why didn't we hang out before?". It was just amazing to be completely content and lost in the moment. Needless to say, the bus ride home may have involved some shameless PDA. Then when I got home he added me to facebook and sent a message saying he had a really good time!

In conclusion, things are looking up! I can't wait to see what happens next! I haven't had this happen in a long time..

Cheryl

The Olympics are well on their way, and I have spent much of my precious time watching them. The big thing here in Canada is waiting for Canada's first Gold metal at home. The last two times the Olympics were in Canada the Canadian team did terribly and only snatched a few silver and bronzes.

The government and sponsors have put a lot of money into these athletes in hope for success, however so far its not working out that way. Yesterday two of our gold medal hopefuls just didn't quite make it. Jenn Heil in the free style skiing was the favorite to win, but came second.. It was still epic to watch there were so many falls in the final I couldn't believe it!  and in the 1500m short track speed skating Charles Hamelin was at least expected to make it into the final, however he got edged out of qualifying by Apolo ohno. However in some crazy luck another Canadian (Jean Olivier) made it to the finals due to interference, but he came fourth. 

So the quest for Olympic gold continues! If you have not watched the Olympics yet I highly recommend it, there are so many sweet sports and great competition. The US are doing really well, they got a gold and bronze in womens freestyle skiing, and a silver and bronze in the 1500m short track. Which I have to say the guy that came in third J.R.  Celski had just gotten over a crazy injury so that was pretty amazing. 

anywho, I must go do home work so I can check out the olympics later!

Cheryl

Went out drinking last night for the first time in a while. Needless to say I got extremely intoxicated and now I feel like death. The worst is I just want to lie around but my mom has a to do list for me and its kind of painful...

Cheryl

So, this morning I got up and decided for once I was going to go to my 9:30 class... Normally I skip it and do other work or sleep. I  debated with myself for a long time whether I really wanted to do this or not.. and I finally decided I would. I get there and find that class was canceled.. apparently he told everyone at last class.. needless to say I am not happy...

Cheryl

So, those of you who are not from canada probably have not heard of Crash Parallel. I think they are awesome, and so I just wanted to share their awesomeness with everyone on EP!

Cheryl

So I have a 10 page report due tomorrow.. and I've barely started(and its 9:30 pm)... I have a total of 2 paragraphs.. yay!  And I'm spending my time checking out EP.. YAY!

I just don't want to do work... grr.. 

It's kind of a cool topic... I am just not in the mood...

that's all

Cheryl

So i've been on and off battling with depression, as per my previous blogs, however I've have been doing really good in the last 3/4 of a year or so.. but man christmas is bringing me down. I haven't been this frustrated and angry in so long! and I'm not really sure why. I think its cause I've been spending way too much time with my family. I have not left my house in over a week and I think I'm seriously going to go crazy. I haven't seen or talked to any of my friends in forever it seems, cause everyone else has gone home for christmas, but lucky me, I'm still here with no one but my family. It kind of sucks living somewhere you didn't grow up cause previous christmas's and holidays I would go home and reconnect with old friends and see my family and it would be a good change. This year there were only 2  changes, first is my brother came back to visit, which essentially means there is another person in the house to boss me around and have control of the remote.  and second all my friends when back home. which means I have no reason to leave or go hang out other places, and that there are no parties worth going to. 

life blows.

Cheryl

So. the more I ponder this, the more I wonder. I think I do, but I don't want too. If I do then that makes life super complicated.. If I don't then that's cool, but what the hell is that feeling in my stomach? maybe I'm just hungry.. a nice grilled cheese sandwich might just solve my problems. but what if it doesn't? I mean this feeling has been around more than once, and not just on empty stomachs...

How do I know if I actually like him for real.. in a serious good person/personality/attractive sort of way? or if it's just hormones acting crazy?

See here is my dilemma.. A few weeks ago, I may have gotten drunk and slept with one of my good friends. So before hand I thought he was a little cute, and super cool. Totally top 10 of all time favorite people. The only downside is he is really short and I'm pretty tall, so it goes against all social norms, which I don't care about too much, but I know is an issue for him.

So anyways, after the incident, we decided to put it in the past, chop it up to "a Drunk think" and move on. So we've hung out since then and it's been kind of normal.. which is awesome.. but for some reason.. I get this feeling in my stomach whenever I talk to him/think about him. Though I'm not sure if I actually like it, or its just all that hormone stuff after you sleep with someone... 

Not sure how I will know.. or what do to... 

Cheryl

So, it's getting to the end of semester and I have several major assignments due this week, and so far most all of them are not really started. This is not a good thing. I know I have to get them done, but I am totally not worried about it, and not really doing anything.. Not sure what to do.. maybe if I get off EP it will help..

later

Cheryl

So, There is this guy that I see in the library almost everyday, that I think is really cute. He seems nice, we've exchanged words a couple times, but nothing big. It was like "anyone sitting there", "no". or he hit his laptop with his knee and I said "smooth" and we both chuckled. Then another time I was standing at one of the library computers in the hallway, and he was walking by and he said "uggg I feel like a zombie" (I guess from all the reading) and once again we chuckled. 

However, in the last two weeks I hadn't really seen him much, or if I did, we just kind of smiled at each other but not really anything significant. I think part of it was I got a bit nervous around him so I started to ignore him a little so that he didn't think I was some crazy girl creeping on him. I don't know. 

Though I really feel like we should introduce ourselves, or something just case we've been smiling at each other for several weeks now. I just don't know. I don't want to come off looking like I'm too interested and freak him out. But I do want to be like hey you seem cool, lets be library friends.

I don't know.. I wonder if any of you reading this has any thought's on how I could find out if he is possibly interested? or how I could start up a conversation? I just feel like a 12 girl crushing on some high school guy.. It's really weird, I haven't had a crush in years, and I don't really know what to do...

Any words of wisdom?

Cheryl

 So I've had my macbook for three years, and the other day it decided it was going to start freaking out every time I clicked on something. It would either a) think I double clicked when I only clicked once, b) think I was holding down the button and continue to drag icons all around the screen, or c)ignore me pounding on the trackpad button. 

I figured this was the end of my beloved macbook. Luckily, I had a tech savvy friend who said, hey, maybe its stuck or something from dirt? I thought hum.. that's possible since I never have actually cleaned this thing..  So I cleaned up my computer hard core and then it started to work pretty good.

It still was a little fussy at times, like being slow and weird. And I got to thinking... I realized I had never deleted cookies from my computer. So trusty google told me how to do that. and bam! Brand new macbook! It's amazing the difference in start up and shut down speed of this thing now from before! And its not freezing and doing weird things anymore. well occasionally it does option b), but I think that's cause I didn't get all the dirt out from under the trackpad button fully. 

So I guess I'm just happy I don't have to worry about getting a new laptop for a while. Moral of this story: Continue to give your computer all the love and attention it deserves, and preform basic maintenence regularly.

Cheryl

The war on depression never really ends. 

To start off, I have been battling with depression since probably high school though it never became an actual problem until university. I found school and life was just too stress full at times and all I would want to do was curl up in a little ball and cry most of the time. I tried drinking, smoking, counseling, prescriptions, all of the above together, but I found that nothing really helped. Like the prescription drugs would help mask the issue for a while, but then if I felt ok and started to go off them then all my problems would just come back. 

(side note, my grandma actually suffers from depression as well, so I think it may be a genitic thing)

So, about a year ago my mom suggested this "mindfulness" meditation class, and I was like whatever I'll go to make you happy. Eventually somewhere several months later I realized I wasn't sad anymore. I'm not really sure how it works exactly... (I guess it's kind of based on the principle that your behaviour, thoughts and feelings are interconnected, and feed into each other. The easiest to change is your behavior, thus by changing your behaviour in small steps, eventually your thoughts and feelings will change in time too.) I guess just by practicing the meditation techniques slowly over time the constant depressing loop of thoughts wasn't there anymore, or at least not as strong.

Now it's been over a year since a started meditating, and I'm still doing pretty good. Usually this time of year was when I would completely crash under the mounting pressures of life, but so far this year I'm doing ok. I'm a little behind in my school work, but I'm not worried about it. I don't freak out at my parents like I used to over little things. I'm single and not upset that no one "likes" me. I'm not totally miserable that all my friends have graduated and moved away. Sure I miss them, but I still find people to hang out with occasionally. I'm actually happy being who I am, doing what I do. It's kind of weird.

My point? yes I am doing better now, however quite frequently I find myself starting to drift back to my old way of life. I combat it with trying to make sure I set positive goals in my daily life, and meditate on a regular basis, or at least take a couple of deep breaths before I jump to any conclusions. Keeping perspective and focusing on the task at hand is still difficult, but manageable. Even though some will say I've won the "battle" on depression, I know I will constantly be at war with it. However, the more battles I win the better position I will be in at wining the war in the long run.

I just wanted to share that even though you are depressed now, it doesn't mean you will be forever.

Cheryl

 So this concludes my first day exploring the experience project. And so far it's been kind of cool. I've made a few friends, have a couple fans, and I have a few favorites. I've written a story, made lots of comments and posed a few questions. 

I would consider it a good experience thus far. Reading peoples thoughts and opinions have been really eye opening. It's amazing to find people that are like me, and as well others that I would have never thought existed! 

I'm finding this blog thing kind of cool. I'm not sure how exactly I should use this. I'm thinking maybe like a journal? Or even a place to pose unanswered questions to my day? I guess we will see how it manifests in the future. Anywho, that's all for now. I must go and do stuff with other stuff. later days!

Cheryl

So, this is my first time on experience project, and I never really blogged before. It seems like a good place to throw out my thoughts and opinions of the day in an anonymous fashion. Whether anyone actually reads this or cares it doesn't really matter I guess. I don't really have much to say.. I just wanted to try this out. 

Cheryl